Stop Comparing Yourself And Communicate Better

Have you ever had an argument with someone where it seemed like you were fighting about two different things? My wife and I have had those. Our communication just breaks down. I have certain beliefs about issues and know exactly what I want to communicate, but my wife doesn’t listen. She has a totally different point that she wants to make. She isn’t even on the same page as me. Why doesn’t she see things my way?

Communication Breakdown

One of the main culprits in our failure to communicate is our misuse of comparisons. I am generally proud about being a good dad and I will usually feel comfortable saying that I am a good husband. Many times, my wife disagrees. I do alot of things she believes is not being a responsible husband. I lose track of time and forget to do some of the things she asks. Therefore, we end up having an argument, and problems with communication ensue.

It’s ok. I might forget to do something, but I at least don’t cheat on her. I might buy something and not tell her, but I always put the toilet seat down. There are many husbands and fathers that I know whom don’t add up to what I do for my family. In comparison, I am an excellent father.

Communication and Comparison

Albert Foong from Urbanmonk has written an article about our need to become comfortable with a sense of aloneness. In it, he mentions that when we become alone, we cannot compare ourselves with anyone. There is nobody that we can communicate with. We just have to own up to our true selves. We cannot say we are rich, fancy, smart, good, bad, healthy, fat or any other label by comparing ourselves to anyone else.

When we judge ourselves by comparing our own self with others, we become the main contributor to our breakdown in communication . The first problem arises from the fact we all have different experiences. I have known more bad people than my wife. Therefore, if we define what it means to be a good individual by comparing our experiences, we end up in a stalemate.

Defining The Real Standards

The only way we can honestly discuss with other individuals adjectival labels such as good is if we both have agreed upon a predetermined set of guidelines. We all have our own ideas about what defines a label, but we will only change the communication breakdown and grow as a community if we acknowledge our preconceptions of it.

We also need to be aware that you do not reach the standard by being better than someone else. You can only reach the standard if you have completely accomplished all the prerequisites that it requires. Until you have completed the entire list of requirements, you are merely an individual. You aren’t good nor bad. You just are.

This could be disapointing, until we realize the few who do make it to our standards. If we looked at it all objectively and with lists, then not many individuals can claim labels. We all are on an equal playing field again. I might have good parent and husband qualities, but I still do not have the entire list complete. I am no better than the man whom is lost and trying to find the right career path. I am no worse than the man whom has two kids in medical school and drives a Porsche. I just am an individual whom is trying to become a good father to my children and a good husband to my wife.