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This morning I bought a book. Erwin McManus’ Soul Cravings, is a Father’s Day present from my wife. Father’s Day was three days ago, but she couldn’t remember any book title that I wanted. I was actually quite frustrated and dissapointed that she didn’t appreciate me enough to get something. We are really tight financially right now, but I was expecting something. Something that reassured me that I am an excellent dad whom has done alot for the family. I got nothing. Needless to say, we had ourselves a little marital spat. Yes, I have a horrible marriage.

I do have a strong desire to feel appreciated. I possibly do need a pat on the back more than others. Strangers couldn’t tell because of my cool exterior. They all think I’m the quiet guy who can tell a good joke and is always walking in sandals and a smile. I am a very good actor. I’ve won talent shows. The only person whom really knew the truth about me is my wife (at least I thought). This is why it hurt. She is the only person whom I’ve opened myself up to and became vulnerable.

Love always makes it worse. The first section in Soul Cravings is about intimacy. We all want to love someone and we all want to be loved, but love is like a shard of glass in the foot. It will hurt from time to time. Sometimes, we do wonder if it is worth it.

After our fight, I forgave my wife. It still hurts and she didn’t have a worthy excuse. We never have a worthy excuse. I have the right to be bitter and angry towards her, and it’ll leave a scar. I forgave her because I choose to love her and thirst for her love. Forgiveness is extremely hard, because it is impossible to forget. A sane man would not return to love, but I’m not completely all up there. It is a decision beyond our feelings. My feelings tell me to hold a grudge and put up a wall, but I choose to neglect my feelings. I will make myself vulnerable to my wife again. Now I have to go. My wife needs me to clean the house.

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